Hi I am one of the many other people on this planet who battles with depression and suffers with bad grammar and punctuation. Being very shy at a young age, struggling with social situations and generally had little confidence with people I didn't know well. Becoming this very awkward, stiff thing that seemed to make everyone else uncomfortable. At the age of ten my Mum took me to a local Amateur Dramatics group. It worked but took three years of standing like a 'rabbit in headlights' before any form of expression came upon my face! Looking back it was a brilliant idea and helped develop and shape my character.
At fifteen I ended up falling or a lad who turned out to be a big mistake, developing into an abusive relationship. Crushing my bubbly, happy, funny personality and confidence that had taken so long to build. Six years for me to get the courage and awareness that I had become lost in a nightmare. Towards the end of this relationship, nothing seemed to be positive in my life and had piled on the pounds and quickly became a shell of former self. Moody and distant from family and friends, loosing trust in people. But as it turned out there was a glimmer of hope that came in the from my first introductions to my husband to be. He kept popping up at mutual friends parties. I am a very committed person and never cheated on my awful ex. When my then single husband to be spoke to me, he made me feel so happy that it felt strange after being miserable for so long. Then one night i'm walking home from my local pub and it just happened. A light bulb moment, knowing that I had the power the strength to leave that awful relationship and I did just that. Just at the right time I had a trip to France. Returning from the trip I had no intention of looking or starting a relationship. But as we all know life doesn't always go in the direction we think we are headed. I decide to see my friend and stay over night. Arriving in the afternoon, Reeling off stories from my travels over coffee. Her handsome, gorgeous brother arrives. The man who I have been talking to at friends parties. He says he will come back that evening. Anticipation killing me, butterflies are spinning in my stomach. Still waiting at seven, eight and nine o'clock. He isn't coming. My friend his sister reassures me and we wait. Little did we know that my poor Husband to be is standing on the doorstep freezing and we can't hear the door. After tapping on the window my prayers are answered, we are together and talking to six in the morning. We have been together ever since.
My husband, sister, parents and friends have helped to return slowly my former self. Depression runs in my family but I believe your environment and social circle can wake the 'black dog'.
I have a black dog and except it will always be there. We are all constantly learning to balance life's complications, upsets and worries. But when depressions hits, taking away your common sense, communication skills, socialization, sleep, balanced mood, enjoyment, emotional balance, inability to express you affection. Its tiring to manage!
- I don't want to be in my house every night not seeing my friends
- I don't want to self loath anymore
- I don't want to feel that I am not good enough
- I want to be in control of my emotions
Going from 0-100 when you get angry is not great for you and it not great for me either. Lying there feeling exhausted after battling through the day with your i'm happy and loving life act. Getting to bed then not being able to sleep because you can't switch off, all your thoughts good and bad fighting for attention. I want to feel great in the morning, hop out of bed with a nice stretch feeling great after a goodnight sleep, a new day without the baggage.
There are so many types of mental health issues. For me I'm lucky I can generally manage my depression. I like to walk my dogs, It helps me to relax and it's good exercise. Reading helps, taking your mind on a holiday and audio books are great helping you get to sleep.
Meditation is excellent for relaxation. I was a little unsure at first, there are so many free sessions on the web and YouTube. You will come across a voice that will make you cringe, really bad pan pipes. Don't worry there is no chanting required. but keep looking and you will find one. It's great for learning breathing techniques and for calming the mind. I went to a couple of local Buddhist meditation sessions which helped me get the basics.
Depressive episodes, some you ride well, others grip you tight and you drown. The past year I have been battling a depressive episode. After a few months my normal tricks were not working anymore so I went back to my Doctor. Going back on medication always is a big decision, effecting other areas of your life. They are addictive. So for me I have to remind myself I have to the majority of the work and the
medication is to give me a boost.
When you start to come out of depressive episode you look back thinking, wow was I really that unhappy?
I have never told anyone this but I felt so proud the other day. I hate to say it but I had a stockpile of old medication that if taken in large amounts would have made the ending quite permanent. They were my safety net, knowing that they were there if I needed them. They were hidden for a couple of years. This week I felt strong enough to take them to my local chemist and have them destroyed. I felt epic!
Talking to people more openly about my depression has made it less of a burden. It has also helped other people around me. The more we talk about mental health the less scary and accepted it becomes.
For more information on mental health please click on
MIND.
At this point I was in survival mode. Just doing what I needed to scrape by. Not washing my hair, going to work in what ever I could put my hands on without caring how smart I looked because just getting there was a battle. Of course my short fuse was still fizzing away and to be honest I don't know how some of my colleagues put up with me for as long as they have. The past month work is easier and more enjoyable. 
